Lockdown paradise… it’s a right jolly.

Lockdown paradise… it’s a right jolly.

Where do I begin? Week 9, yeah? Or week 99?

School night wine, lazy mornings with gallons of coffee and light reading , an untidy house and a garden that resembles the Tiger king’s. Toys, a paddling pool, workout weights, lounge chairs and cushions sprawled across the patchy lawn. Nothing too rushed.

Is it even lockdown If you haven’t watched Netflix for so long that it prompts “ are you still viewing this,  you lazy piece of crap?”!?

Disney + took a decent hit when we all jumped on that bandwagon. Only to realise the beast of ‘Beauty and the beast’ wasn’t so handsome 20 years on.

Shopping local is stretched to the limit with us spending money on food like it’s our last meal. Why order two steaks when you can buy ten and have them delivered to your door within the next hour!

Fine dining restaurants who send food and instructions? Sure, let’s order three and a bottle of the finest Malbec to accompany it. Make that two bottles and add in a beer for good measure.

Daily walks are as monotonous as the last time you checked the rates bill. Nothing changes, if anything, the volume has increased but the overall experience is the same as the first loop you walked on March 22nd– the same.

Work meetings, such as they are, resemble an insight into a toddler’s world of play and chaos. Volume up, volume down, cutting yourself off by mistake mid lecture, the loss of a headphone. A small alien head surfacing from the bottom of the screen to the top. All standard fair these days.

Using the bedroom for zoom calls is a classic in our house. My husband chooses to sit, away from the family, perched on the side of the Kingsize. Attempting professionalism until the dog and toddler play hide and seek under his feet.

It takes a village to raise a child, they say. A village, two cows, jack’s magic beans and a dozen bowls of cornflakes wouldn’t raise my three lads. They’ve more stamina than a kangaroo on mars bars. A loud kangaroo. Springing from one sabotaged zoom meeting to the next, knocking over the milk on the table as they go.

So, lockdown paradise I had you down as a very different experience. Reading novels and playing lovingly in the garden with my offspring. Daisy chains and eye -spy with hot milk and homemade cookies at night. But you let me down, you daft cow. You served my backside back to me on a platter. A platter disguised as a wine glass. My cup overfloweth with a fuzzy head, dirty sweat pants and an unemptied dishwasher – what, the dishwasher is broken?  Pour me anther glass of wine!

Stay home and stay safe… then consume your wine responsibly while on your 9 am zoom meeting with a small child underfoot!!

I of course jest about the above I am very thankful to and for everybody who is continuing to keep our country going on and off the frontline. I know your lockdown experience has been very different.